We [Don’t] Got This

Just when you feel even the slightest bit confident in your (new) parenting abilities, you’re thrown that proverbial curve ball. I can’t really claim that I felt or have felt super confident about my role as mother (and food provider) to Tucker, but until recently I did feel OK about it.

He’s seemingly hit a growth spurt… Or has been in the midst of one since about two and a half weeks (at his one-month well baby check today he’d packed on two pounds in the last three weeks!). So while we’d been hoping for a reprieve from the wakefulness of baby, the relentless feeding, and the crying… No dice.

He’s not the only one crying in our house either. With feedings demanded every hour or so, I’m really struggling. While he eats (and eats), I’m lucky if I can ingest 700-800 calories a day. I try to drink as much water as I can, but eating has been a huge trial.

Mommy Milestones #1

I wanted to change up a few things with the blog to reflect the changes in our lives. With that, I am going to be posting a weekly update on the milestones I achieve as a new mom. Here, I’ll talk about the trials and victories of being a new mom.

I don’t think I want to make this a full-tim parenting blog. I don’t think that really fits with how I’ve always envisioned this blog. It’s a living blog, so I do intend to maintain that theme.

As you, my readers, know, my little boy was born on the 12th. In this first week of his life, I can honestly say that it’s been nothing and everything like all our advice-givers have told us.


I had a Cesarian Section after 12 hours of labor. In addition to my having major surgery, Tucker had to be whisked away to the NICU. The plan I had, the wish I had, of feeding him right from delivery and holding him skin-to-skin was not going to happen. This was and still is upsetting (It’s been over a week and I still get misty!)

I’ve never before had major surgery. The only time I’ve ever been under anesthesia was about 15 or so years ago when I had my wisdom teeth pulled out in the middle of 9th grade and that was just gas, not heavy drugs.

I remember laying there, and most people who know will say that I’m pretty stoic, and not the most emotional person. But as I was laying there, feeling the tugs and pulls of the doctors working on us to get Tucker out, I couldn’t help but feel waves of guilt for not doing more to get my baby out in a quicker and more healthful way. Then, when he was out, and I could hear him, I couldn’t open my eyes because I knew I would burst into tears and could be detrimental to the process of closing me up. I could still feel the tears stream out of the corners of my eyes, and the telltale quiver of my bottom lip.

Moments later, the neonatal pediatrician was at my side (or head, rather) letting me know that she was going to be taking Tucker to the NICU for observation because he was having a little difficulty breathing as a result of the meconium he had ingested before birth. Before they took my baby to the NICU, I got to see him for the first time. I don’t have words for that moment. I’m sure you can imagine the flood of emotions.

Jason first went to the table where they were cleaning the baby in the OR to cut his umbilical cord. Unfortunately for Jason, he took a peek at me on his way. He tells me he’s very surprised he didn’t collapse then and there. It’s not every day that you see your wife on an operating table with a large gaping hole in the middle of her. The doctors working on the baby redirected his attention to the baby so he could focus on his job. Apparently that, too, was pretty gross.

As for me, I kept my eyes closed but to look at Tucker that first time until I was in my recovery room.

Healing from a C-Section is not fun, at all. Not that I would have expected it to be. I just don’t like being in pain and having to rely on pain medication to function. This, coupled with caring for a new-born, was exceedingly difficult–because not only am I a pretty stoic person, I’m also a pretty independent person. I can’t even drive for two weeks, post-op. As the primary driver in our family, this isn’t only hard for me, but for Jason as well. He’s not a fan of driving…I should say he’s really not a fan of OTHER drivers.

We haven’t really gone anywhere since we got home last Monday. We had Tucker’s first well-baby visit on Tuesday, which was a big trial for Jason because of his needing to be able to drive us to the appointment. Driving not being the big issue, but the sleep deprivation playing a big part. At a point, I made Jason sleep several hours in our guest room, just so he would be rested enough to drive. The first night home with Tucker was…interesting.

Waiting for my milk to fully come in had been another major trial. For all of us. Remember how I said a few paragraphs ago that I wasn’t the most emotional of people? Well, postpartum hormonal imbalance has pretty much taken care of that. As my husband will tell you: these days, I cry at the drop of a hat. Mostly its in the middle of the night, after the baby has woken up after only sleeping for twenty minutes for the third time, and he can’t keep a latch, so we default to the single bottle of formula we’ve resolved ourselves to needing. This usually triggers my guilt from needing a C-Section, not being able to nurse until two days after Tucker was born, and blaming my body for not providing enough for my baby.


My milk has come in! I’m even leaking, which is an odd sensation. I still feel as though I’m not producing enough, but I think Tucker has entered into his very first growth spurt, so that could account for his needing more nutrients than I am physically able to provide him with currently. Of course this still makes me sad, but I have come to better terms with the situation. When we left the hospital last Monday, they gave us a decent supply of the formula they’d been feeding Tucker throughout the duration of his stay. We also got a gift bag full of baby goodies, which also contained the powdered version of the premixed bottles they’d given us. So, for at least this first month or so, we’re set for feedings.

We’ve also just about figured out how this little guy operates. I can usually get him to sleep just by breastfeeding, especially during the day time. It’s at night–that 2-6 o’clock window–during which he is supper fussy and no amount of breast milk seems to do the trick. A 2 oz bottle of formula works like a charm. This leads to more sleeping time for Jason and me too. So, for now, we’ll continue to play this by ear and see if it sticks… or for how long anyway. I’ve read that the first 6 weeks are the worst of the first three months. Here’s hoping!

The swelling in my hands and feet has gone down so much, that I’ve been able to put my wedding ring back on. I don’t remember how far along I was before I had to take it off, but it was a sad day for both Jason and me. I had hoped to wear it longer, but it didn’t work out that way. When I showed Jason that I had put it back on, he said “Hooray, we’re married again!” This made me smile; something I needed.

While I was pregnant, the swelling in my ankles and feet got so bad that at one point, I’d gained nearly 5 pounds in a single week from the water retention. Now that Tucker is here, and my body has had a little bit of time to re-acclimate to normal conditions, my feet no longer resemble fat sausages, and I’ve actually lost about 1/4 of my baby weight. I’ve actually lost about half, but I give Tucker credit for half of that.

**Question: What are your Mommy Milestones this week?**